Ho’oponopono: Releasing ourselves through forgiveness

by Robin Shohet

In this short article I would like to share some of my thoughts on forgiveness. I came to the topic almost by accident as I had originally intended to write a book on revenge. After researching this topic, I came to realise that it was a complete dead end. Like a boomerang, it hurt the person who acted it out. Or in the words of a Chinese proverb – he who plots revenge should dig two graves.

In this short article I would like to share some of my thoughts on forgiveness. I came to the topic almost by accident as I had originally intended to write a book on revenge. After researching this topic, I came to realise that it was a complete dead end. Like a boomerang, it hurt the person who acted it out. Or in the words of a Chinese proverb – he who plots revenge should dig two graves.

What I have learnt is that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. We do it for ourselves. Whilst we are still focusing on the other person, we are not centred – we are wanting them to be punished, own up, apologise, whatever. In the words of the spiritual teacher Byron Katie, we are not at home.

One of the ways is a form of inquiry pioneered by the teacher Byron Katie whom I have mentioned above. She asks us to put down on paper who we are angry with, disappointed by, hurt by. And then she skilfully shows us that how we are attached to a story that does not serve us. Not so much forgiveness, but a process of letting go of our attachment to the stories that keep us prisoner of our own thinking.

My stepson realised this intuitively. He came home to find his room ransacked by a so-called friend who presumably had been looking for money. He was consumed with rage and feelings of betrayal until he realised that the so-called friend would be hundreds of miles away and not even thinking about him. A feeling of peace came over him and he just got on with tidying his room. He did not forgive, or not forgive. He worked out that obsessing about the other was not serving him.

I organised two international conferences on forgiveness at the Findhorn Foundation, a spiritual community in the north of Scotland. One of the early speakers was a woman whose daughter had been killed. For eight years she was consumed with hatred and a desire for revenge until one day she realised what it was doing to her, and let go. Not only did she have a peace she had not had in eight years, but she was free enough to go and visit her daughter’s killer on death row and advocate for him against the death penalty.

Here I am going to take a detour, the relevance of which will become clear later. Twenty-five years ago I wrote an article, How Green is Your Mind? (Shohet,2020). In it I suggested the reader imagined they were a car and their brain/mind was an exhaust pipe. Every time they had a negative thought, any negative thought, they would be letting out exhaust fumes and polluting the planet. In other words, I was suggesting that negative thinking was a major polluter and that we need to do our internal work if we are to save the planet. Climate activists can polarise with those who don’t share their views. I am suggesting we consider that if we polarise, and make people ‘other’, we are engaging in a form of pollution because of our negative thinking about them. Or in the words of the Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu (Merton, 1969) and put more eloquently:

When the heart is right

“For” and “against” are forgotten.

What has this to do with forgiveness?

As part of my research into forgiveness, I came across a Hawaiian process of forgiveness called ho’oponopono. It consists of four sentences. I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you. This is very much my version and if you want to know more, you can google it.

Imagine John has stolen my bicycle and I am furious and gossip about him. I say to myself (not him):

John, I Iove you.
If love is who we are, how could I not?
John, I’m sorry.
I have been having bad thoughts about you and talking behind your back.
John, please forgive me.
For not seeing your essence but only focusing on your behaviour.
John thank you.
For showing me how much unforgiveness is still in my being.

It is totally counterintuitive to ask for forgiveness when you have been on the receiving end of a “wrong”, but I like the way it challenges me to take responsibility for my thinking through four simple sentences. And now you may see the connection with How Green is Your Mind? If we are to serve humanity, I believe we need to start with our thinking. Our capacity to make others wrong, to blame, is perhaps one of the greatest addictions of human beings. And investigating our thinking can help undo some of the projections to which we can all succumb.

Here are two examples which illustrate my use of ho’oponopono.

I had been really angry with my stepson. The feeling was mutual and we would both talk to my wife about what the other had done. I realised this could not go on and decided to repeat the four sentences from ho’oponopono. I would do this walking down the street (with some resistance) for a few weeks, and then one day as I was returning from a boat trip I heard myself say, “It’s over.” What I meant is that I had had a sudden dramatic change of perception. My grievances with my stepson were in the past. They were not happening now. I did not forgive him or not forgive him. I saw what had happened between us was not the truth of our relationship. I had been so attached to the need to prove I was right, and this was the problem, not him. Nothing external had changed, but the whole situation was viewed differently. The sentence “It’s over” was a form of grace, but ho’oponopono which required me to ask for forgiveness had perhaps paved the way.

The second example was on the underground at 5:00 am on the way to catching an early train. A man got on the almost empty carriage and sat close to me. He started muttering and this muttering got louder and louder and I got increasingly uncomfortable. Should I get off, risk missing my train, or move carriage? He got louder and then said, “And they take your f…ing jobs” and looked at me. The four sentences came into my mind and I repeated them to myself. X, I love you. X, I’m sorry (for my fearful hostile thoughts). X, please forgive me (for not seeing who you really are) and X thank you (for carrying my angry male energy and showing me how much work I still have to do). After a couple of rounds of my doing this he calmed down completely.

The four sentences have helped me to undo my self-righteous thinking in that I ask for forgiveness for attacking the other with my thoughts. I believe that humanity is addicted to the need to be right because of a deep belief in our wrongness, which the Course in Miracles (Foundation for Inner Peace, 1996) attributes to our mistaken belief in separation. Ho’oponopono helps me to undo that belief system and to recognise how we are all interconnected. I suggested we did this around Putin and people were indignant. I asked how would it contribute to peace if we made him bad. This does not mean I condone his behaviour. Rather, I have to find the bit in me that has abused power. Is there anyone who has not done this?

There are several ways in which we can pave the way – e.g. writing a letter to the person whom we feel has wronged us which we do not send, and then replying as them; imagining holding on to our wound and feeling vengeful and looking at the impact on our bodies, and then imagining releasing ourselves and noticing how that feels. There needs to be a readiness and a willingness to do this, but the beauty is that we are not dependent on anyone else for our release. It is very counter-cultural to think forgiveness has nothing to do with the other, and even more so to ask for forgiveness for our thinking. I repeat, this can only be done when there is a readiness as we humans can tyrannise ourselves with techniques, the need for self-improvement and guilt. But we can pave the way if we are willing to question some of our deeply cherished beliefs. Ho’oponopono offers us an opportunity to do this.

This article is dedicated to the late Ben Fuchs, a dear colleague who collaborated with Robin in organising two conferences on forgiveness.

Robin Shohet (robin.shohet@cstd.co.uk) is a long time student of A Course in Miracles which advocates we teach only love for that is who we are. He has written extensively on supervision and sees it as a form of spiritual practice.

References

Byron Katie. www.thework.com

Foundation for Inner Peace (1996) A Course in Miracles. Viking Penguin.

Merton, T. (1969). The Way of Chuang Tzu. New Directions Publishing.

Shohet, R. (2020) How Green is Your Mind? https://www.climatepsychologyalliance.org/explorations/papers/418-how-green-is-your-mind-by-robin-shohet

IAHIP 2022 - INSIDE OUT 98 - Autumn 2022