Ritual, symbol and metaphor to help cope with bereavement

BY Liz Gleeson

The death of a loved one is one of the most significant life experiences that people must face and all too often, grief is skipped over, a stiff upper lip is employed, arrangements are executed and the bereaved are expected to return to normal life and to ‘get over it’ in a prescribed amount of time. Ritual, symbol and metaphor each have a significant role to play in helping the bereaved to transcend loss and counterbalance some of the negative effects of a society that never seems to stop, sometimes not even for death.   

Metaphors can help us to express some of the more difficult emotions that words evade, and find meaning in our loss. We draw on them in the vain hope that they can offer comfort to the bereaved, as in throwing euphemisms at a situation that is beyond our comprehension, for example “you have an angel in heaven now” is easier for some to say than “I’m so sorry that your baby has died”. Metaphors can also serve as complicit partners in evasion and denial: “She’s gone to sleep, flying high with the angels.” They serve us in denying the finality of death, the messiness of it, and package it in a more acceptable way. Metaphors can help the bereaved to shape their connection to the deceased and work towards making some meaning of the event, and forming enduring bonds; it can be a lot less painful to maintain a continuous bond with someone who ‘lives on in his son’ than facing the finality of their loss.  

Since prehistory, the human race has used symbols to create meaning and promote healing. Symbols can be the link to our subconscious and help us to create meaning for whatever it is that we’re going through, whether they be universal symbols or generated from our own visual brain or felt in the body. Many symbols are universal, and many are more culture-specific. Nowadays, many of these rituals are being dropped by society and the bereaved often find themselves sitting at their desks, having returned to work just hours after burying a loved one. (There is currently no statutory bereavement leave in Ireland or the UK).   

A wake, funeral or memorial service are all key rituals or symbolic acts that provide a container for the individual and community experience. This community ritual facilitates people to take time off work to honour the deceased, to stop and acknowledge both the individual and the collective loss. Grief is made public and the community takes time to meet with the bereaved and offer sympathy and support.  

A human burial contains more anthropological information per cubic meter of deposit than any other type of archaeological feature  

(Peebles, 1977).  

If the death was sudden, violent or tragic, the funeral ritual can serve to highlight social issues and promote resilience within the community. These rituals can help the bereaved come to terms with the reality and finality of the loss, thus avoiding the denial of death that society can sometimes encourage. Such denial can contribute to ongoing decrements in physical and mental health, but rituals that involve symbolism can serve in giving an element of control to the bereaved. They may have felt powerless over the death of their loved one, but they can control the service, the choice of the place of rest, the colour of the urn, the memorial fund, the symbolic legacy, and the Facebook page. It is a way to take back power, find energy again, express the extent of the loss and facilitate the grieving process. 

 Funerals and memorial services are rituals and rites of passage that allow people to function during a time of deep distress and confusion  

(Whipple, 2006). 

 Some bereaved individuals create their own rituals, infused with symbolism that represents what has been lost and the transformation of what was to what now is; for example, trees are planted, photo books are made, memory boxes are created, and sometimes the deceased make videos before they pass away as a means to leave their loved ones with something tangible, a keepsake that will continue their memory after death.  

Symbols are often used at funerals. A photograph of the deceased may be placed on a coffin. The service may include symbols that represent aspects of the deceased person’s life: a musical instrument, sports equipment, and a pair of hiking boots. All of these symbols serve as a reminder of just what has been lost and help the bereaved to come to terms with the entirety and finality of the loss. They also serve to represent the different groups of bereaved people and their relationship to the deceased, i.e. fellow musicians, sports club members, or work colleagues.  

Following the death of Princess Diana in the UK, a memorial fountain was built in Hyde Park and a memorial playground in Kensington Gardens. Creating such projects can help bereaved individuals and communities to transform their grief and create something positive from the loss. Meaning making is understood to be a vital component in accommodating one’s losses and symbols can help us in achieving meaning when it seems that our world is senselessly falling apart. A symbol can help to fill a void that was once occupied by the deceased; it can serve as a container and focus for grief and help us to avoid over internalizing the grief to the point of self-harm or maladaptive behaviour.  

The creation or use of symbols by a grieving individual can help to transform deeply distressing internal pain into a positive and creative narrative that allows for growth and expansion, perhaps making the grief a little easier to bear. The use of symbols can help in containing fear, anxiety, confusion, existential crises and the externalization of feelings that are too overpowering to cope with, at least initially. Symbols offer us a way to revisit our losses and complete our stories, helping the subconscious to organise itself in a broad manner and adapt to or accommodate the loss.  

The use of art, dance, drama, music, writing or poetry are all ways to bring the internal world into the external, where it can be witnessed, acknowledged, processed and transformed, giving great relief to suffering, and assisting in healing, without having to explicitly and logically speak about the process. Through the creative arts therapies, people can process suffering at many different levels without having explicit awareness that that is in fact what they are doing; the creative process itself is healing, as is sharing with others exactly what is going on for us.  

Creative Arts Therapies  

The creation of art in the presence of another can provide a suitable container for the alchemy of healing and transformation to happen. Trust, safety, support and guidance are just some of the qualities a good Creative Arts Therapist will bring to a session, as well as being an active witness to the therapeutic process. They can also encourage, if appropriate, the expression of meaning and association and that is where the healing can become more tangible and explicit. Helping people to gain access to their own internal imagery is helping them to find a vocabulary of expression in a safe yet also very intimate way. Asking someone to give voice to their creation or to give it a title can help them to get to the heart of the story; to fully understand what it is they are working with internally. Over a period of time, people may be able to witness the changes in their artistic journey which reflect the internal changes also. The material may be paint, sand, or clay; all of them serve to bring images from the unconscious into a physical form that can then be explored.   

Art, objects and symbols can often spontaneously lead to play or dramatic expression, which in turn can lead into physical embodiment and expression. Humans are naturally expressive, creative and dynamic. Using creative methods to symbolise our internal world is a way to express the inexpressible, to externalise that which is too painful for words, to share and be witnessed whilst giving a sense of control.  

The language of symbol and metaphor is sometimes universal and sometimes special; candles are used in many cultures as a symbol of loss and grief, along with a white dove, and here in Ireland, the triskele has been adopted by the Hospice Friendly Hospitals Programme as a bereavement symbol to let visitors and staff know that a recent bereavement has occurred. The symbol is an invitation to those who see it to adopt a quiet and respectful demeanour and to be prepared to meet people who are grieving. Symbolism as a language of grief can be adapted to suit the individual’s needs and avoid the chasm that often exists between health professionals’ language and the felt grief response of the bereaved individual. When professional language is not consistent with the experience of the bereaved individual, symbols can help to bridge the gap and serve as a more universal language for grief. Symbols can help to stimulate narrative, an essential part of working through and transforming grief.  

Liz Gleeson is a psychotherapist in private practice in Co. Wicklow. She is the curator of the Shapes Of Grief Podcast and presents internationally on griefrelated themes. She has an MA in Drama Therapy, MSc Bereavement Studies, MA in Counselling & Psychotherapy and is currently a PhD Student. Liz is the creator of the award-winning Shapes Of Grief online Grief Education Programme for mental health professionals, a global online project, and she teaches Bereavement Studies at RCSI/Irish Hospice Foundation.

References

Peebles, C.S. (1977) Biocultural dimensions of archaeological study. An archaeologist’s perspective. In L. Blakey (Ed.), Biocultural adaptation in prehistoric America. Athens, GA. University of Georgia  

Whipple, V (2006). Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief. Harwood Press, New York 

IAHIP 2022 - INSIDE OUT 97 - Summer 2022