Living with existential courage

BY EMMY VAN DEURZEN

Foreword

In the programme notes to Emmy van Deurzen’s extraordinary presentation at the Ukraine Fundraiser and Conference she wrote:

“As the world is gradually plunged into a global existential crisis, not just because of the pandemic, but also in facing potential ecological disaster, a global climate crisis and increasing pressure on international migration, in view of old and new wars, it is vital to understand how our psychotherapy profession can ensure that we tackle the situation in a holistic and considerate manner.

In this presentation we shall consider how existential philosophers and therapists are able to make sense of such situations, be they caused by politics, society, personal choice or natural catastrophes. We shall explore the impact of the shattering of our most reliable connections to the world and the loss of meaning that ensues.

Then we shall see how we can rise to such limit situations, to shift upwards and find ways to thrive instead of being destroyed by the radical change and global transformation that has become inexorable.”

When approached by Inside Out for an article on her presentation Emmy van Deurzen very kindly gave us permission to publish an excerpt from her 2021 book, Rising from existential crisis: Life beyond calamity, upon which much of her Conference presentation was based. The excerpt begins half way through Chapter 9, Living with existential courage:

Rising from crisis

In order to cope with crisis, we first of all have to survive it. This means we do have to protect ourselves and establish a zone of safety into which we can withdraw, heal our wounds and recompose ourselves.

Then we have to find others and convince them to help support and sustain us. This is best done in the spirit of generosity and mutuality. In that atmosphere, we can begin to communicate our plight calmly and soberly, articulating it for ourselves, so that we get clarity about it and can integrate it into our normal reality, instead of keeping it on the outside. Only then, when the situation becomes real to us and we can think about it, can we begin to find remedies.

As Sartre said in his essay What is literature?:

A lucid view of the darkest situation is already, in itself, an act of optimism. Indeed, it implies that this situation is thinkable; that is to say, we have not lost our way in it as though in a dark forest, and we can on the contrary detach ourselves from it, at least in mind, and keep it under observation; we can therefore go beyond it and resolve what to do against it, even if our decisions are desperate.

(Sartre, 1950/2001: 289)

By describing our situation fully and carefully we make sense of it. We differentiate ourselves from our plight as we sketch out our predicament. We then become able to question our position. All this is only possible if we focus on the situation instead of hiding or fleeing from it. When we use our consciousness deliberately to focus our intentionality on finding a way out, we realise that our mind can always shine a light in the darkness. Faced with danger, we have to become attentive, resolute, determined and creative. We cannot rise from crisis by dulling ourselves down. So, here is how we sharpen up.

1. Formulate the problem clearly When we become more attentive to what is happening to us, we can take ourselves back in hand and reunite with our inner authority. The act of formulating the problem is sufficient to switch us from passivity to activity. From the moment we get a grip on what is happening by telling a tale about it, summarising it, and exploring it, we problematise it – we make it into a puzzle that needs solving. So, instead of remaining enclosed in a reactive, confused state of mind that keeps us imprisoned in a state of feeling hurt and duped, we set ourselves on the trail of discovery.

This is how therapy works: we encourage people to frame their problems so that they get a hold of them and see them as something tangible that they can manipulate and grasp. Then, instead of feeling at the mercy of their difficulties or overwhelmed by their own emotions, people become enabled again, as they understand that change is possible and desirable. They get this simple truth: that we can choose to be in the situation and own our own existence.

But don’t be too demanding of yourself about it. You may need to take time to ponder. We all need a phase in which we express our pain, our disappointment, our grief and our sorrow. It is a way of collecting enough frustration to build the energy to get cracking. The more we allow ourselves to feel the pain directly, the less we will be inclined to retaliate with aggression, passive aggression, cynicism or blaming tactics. The trick is to allow yourself to absorb the loss fully and appreciate all the inner sadness that is caused by it. Sit with that for a bit. It helps to have someone patiently sitting with you. Then we can dismiss the easy options of negativity and take time to think about a better response and a workable strategy. It is all too easy to get lost in the destructive practice of saying ‘no’ to everything. We have to say ‘no’ sometimes, to some things and some people, but we can only rejoice in life again when we learn to say ‘yes’ again.

2. Move from reactivity to activity

After we have told our story and formulated our problem, we can begin to come to terms with the realisation that this problem is ours – that we need to take ownership of it. As long as a person is reacting to a situation, they have not made it their own. It remains outside of them and they want to deny its reality or protest against it. They waste precious time and energy kicking against their fate. They complain about it endlessly. Just kicking against it, denying it, resenting it, or even cursing it will not change it. We need to start examining it and take a hold of it. As long as we remain focused on blaming and shaming, whether it be others or ourselves or even our situation, we keep ourselves imprisoned in precisely the same situation that is hurting us. As long as we remain focused on what is wrong, we ensnare ourselves in it and become identified with it. It is crucial to name the problem, but from there we need to move on to finding out what caused it, how we got caught up and lost in it and, most importantly, how we can remove ourselves from it. That requires determination, and often cooperation with others.

3. Conduct an inventory of your talents, skills and resources

We may need to remind ourselves that we are capable of being constructive rather than self-destructive or destructive when things go wrong for us. This starts with learning to take stock of your skills and talents for dealing with problems. What are your assets? What do you know about your own character that will help you through the crisis? What have you learnt from previous troubles and battles? How can you apply this knowledge to the current situation? What resources are available to you? Who are your potential allies? How can you connect with them? Who are your best supporters and what can you ask them to do or provide for you? What would actually be helpful to you, practically and concretely, and where and how can you obtain it? Where are the bibliographical or online sources of information that might guide you?

Do your research and make finding solutions your main objective for a bit. Join other people who are in a similar situation. Initiate an action group or a particular task group that can improve something in your situation and that of others. Put your heads together. When you do, think consistently in terms of what you can contribute and how you can help others. Shift the focus from your difficulties to the possible solutions. Use your plight to throw light for others in the future.

But in doing this, take cautious care of yourself. Not all contact with others will be supportive. Some of it will be undermining and, if so, it needs to be avoided. Our connections to others have to be managed with caution and our online presence has to be managed with especially great wariness.

4. Prepare for endurance and the long term

While we may need to collapse for a little bit, it is essential that we take ourselves in hand to gather the necessary strength for the battle ahead. We should not rush into our comeback but, rather, build it up slowly and carefully. It is at such low times that reconnecting with the widest protective circle around us is of the essence. This means going out into nature to be reminded that the natural environment is still out there, doing its job in recycling our earth and our air. Let the skies, the rivers, the woods, the sea, the meadows and the mountains remind you that life is still going strong and is right there on our doorstep for us to be part of.

Making an effort to create an atmosphere of calm and peace in our home is also conducive to feeling settled. When I work with people in crisis, I know they are on the right track when they decide to buy a plant or a new lamp or a comfy chair for their home, or when they spend a few hours decluttering or redecorating a room. When we are in trouble, it pays to spend a little bit of time ordering our physical environment to clear a space for peace of mind and safety. A little bit of nesting can work miracles. It signals that we are getting ready to go forth from a secure base.

Taking care consists of building ourselves up while staying safe and polishing up the good things still available to us. Eating foods that will nurture us better is a good way to prepare for the difficult tasks of repair ahead. These things are very personal and culturally specific, so think for yourself about what would make you feel better and then take the trouble to prepare it for yourself. Make it into a routine. Relish that moment of wholeness where you feel better, even just temporarily; learn to look forward to it and keep doing it. The more time we spend on such simple acts of self-nurturing, the better. Don’t wolf and waste your appetite. Eat very slowly, paying lots of attention to every morsel. When you re-establish your secure base, wherever possible include the presence of a loved one – if not a person, then perhaps a pet or a plant (Charura & Paul, 2015).

Re-establish experiences of flow and good energy whenever possible (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Find music that used to please you in the past and listen to it again and again, but choose carefully and don’t get drawn into music that is too moody or maudlin, or that takes you back with too much intensity to previous losses. Don’t linger too long in melancholy remembering. Most of us have some old-time favourite movies that renew our vital energies. Fantasising about adventures and travels is a good thing for most of us. So, let yourself dream a bit – perhaps read a travel guide – but don’t set off on any journeys just yet, as this can be a source of stress in itself. You need to concentrate on being who you are and where you are.

5. Establish an affirmative routine

When we commit to a reliable and affirmative routine, we create a stronger and more determined mindset every time we complete the actions we are committed to. I work on this every day. I wake at six o’clock and take time to think about the day ahead and consider what matters most for me to concentrate on in the coming hours. It is all about setting myself in the right mode of being, preparing myself mentally for what is to come and deciding in what order and in what ways I want to tackle the tasks and duties ahead of me. It is about sharpening your intentionality and reconnecting with your sense of direction, rather than about specifics. It is the opposite of worrying; as we contemplate the day ahead, we ask ourselves how we can make it a good day and actually enjoy our chores. Each and every one of us will do this differently. What matters is that we notice that we are setting out on a new day and a new adventure and that we give it our full attention, instead of wishing it away. This is about questioning our habits and taking charge of our own life, so we can relish every minute of it. It’s about learning to savour our existence and using each day to change something for the better.

6. Learn to recognise, respect and name your feelings

Another thing we can learn to do is to listen to our own responses to things and people and to register and name our own feelings and make sense of them. Sometimes we may need to reflect for a bit before we understand why we feel as we do, but it always pays off to do so, when we have time, perhaps at the end of the day before going to bed. Take your feelings seriously, but never let them dictate your behaviour. Just venting feelings is not enough. We need to make sense of them and get to the bottom of why we experience things as we do. Talking to a partner about events and our reactions to them does not just help us clarify where we are and what we need to do next; it also brings us closer together. Carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders may have been fine for Atlas, but it is no good for ordinary humans. We are not superhuman and we must respect our own limits. It never pays off to deny or negate our feelings or put ourselves down for them. We have every right to feel as we feel, as long as we find a way to listen to ourselves compassionately and translate our feelings into thoughtful actions.

We need to protect ourselves from carrying too much stress and distress, self-reproach, frustrations, resentments or regrets. In a crisis it is so easy to seize up or become numb and just accept the status quo for too long. When you start to experience strong feelings that are bigger than you would normally be inclined to feel, don’t just try to suppress them. There is no reason to be scared of your feelings. Your feelings are your guide and they are pointing you in the right direction. Teach yourself to write them down in a daily diary and discuss them with a partner or a close friend or perhaps even a therapist.

7. Join a community

There is nothing so conducive to finding new hope as finding like-minded people who are constructive in building a new future or overcoming problems. Many friendships have been forged during times of hardship. Co-operation is an art, and we need to learn to value each other’s strengths and support each other at times of weakness and vulnerability. We can’t all be good at everything, and offering some of the things we are good at to other people in exchange for them doing the same for us is the most wonderful human arrangement. It is the principle that community building is based on. Communities are crucial for our full functioning. When we all compete against each other, the world becomes a hectic and frantic place. When we can rely on others to make the most of the bit they are responsible or, while we make the most of what we have chosen as our responsibility, then we complete each other and the tasks are carried out more efficiently. Value yourself and each other in that process and everyone benefits.

8. Learn a new skill – or revive an old one

Learning new skills, especially a new language, a musical instrument, a craft, an art or a sporting activity, is very constructive and uplifting. This is not just about reconnecting to the plus sides of life but also about rebuilding self-esteem, self-respect and self-affirmation. It is about reclaiming our capacity for growth and education, despite, and perhaps especially because of, the crisis we find ourselves in. We are entitled to a growth spurt when we are spending so much time deeply in grief and mourning. So, start by allowing your curiosity to be triggered and try to find out new things about the situation you find yourself in. Then think about how you can add to that imaginatively.

In our Emotional Support Service for Europeans (ESSE) we encouraged people to try many new ideas and many new practices. We are all different and we are the expert on what will do the trick for us. Some people get a real buzz out of discovering they can deal with such challenging activities as windsurfing, bungee jumping, abseiling, horse riding, mountain climbing, skiing, skating, caving or wild swimming. Somehow, having survived a crisis makes us braver. We feel our strength and we stop being quite so afraid of everything, because we sense that the worst has already happened.

Such heroics are not for everyone, however. Some people really need to keep things small and familiar. When they are prompted to think about activities that are soothing for them, they remember things they used to do in childhood that don’t require huge energy and stamina, like jigsaw puzzles, colouring in, embroidery, knitting, building a model airplane from a simple kit, or even sculpting something out of playdough or whittling. When people rediscover such old and neglected skills, they often report a sense of calm and a rebuilding of confidence. Other people return to skills they only practised for a bit in the past and that they now want to hone. They may bring down from the loft or from the shed things that have long been broken and mend them. I knew someone who took his car apart when he was recovering from a crisis. Putting it back together again took long enough to help him slowly rebuild his trust in his own efficacy. Someone else carved out a canoe from a fallen tree trunk in his garden.

Another approach that can work, especially for those who feel that violence has been done to them, is to take up a martial art – judo, karate, kick boxing or self-defence classes, for example. Weight training works for some, dancing for others. Gentler but equally effective ways of re-energising and focusing energy include yoga, pilates, tai-chi, qigong, meditation and mindfulness. Find what works for you. It is the principle that matters: a person has to reactivate their personal capacity to make something of themselves and stop feeling as if they are being duped, molested and beaten. We can feel martyred for a bit, but then we have to find a retort or rejoinder to our sense of weakness and victimisation. We must step out of our corner, eventually and take the upper hand again.

9. Don’t be a martyr

Martyrdom is a bad role to slide into, although many of us are inclined to do so. Suffering in silence is one of the worst ways of enduring, because it is not sustainable. Suffering must not become our new identity. If we get used to it, we will be expecting it and tolerating it for years to come. There are many reasons why people settle for silent martyrdom. Sometimes their families assigned them this role early on. Sometimes they are just too nice to fight back, or they think too lowly of themselves to feel entitled to anything better. Sometimes they think that good people suffer while bad people portion out suffering. But it isn’t really like that. The world can beat you down, but it cannot keep you down, and it certainly cannot force you to be prepared to endure humiliation for the rest of your life. Be free in your own mind and never be afraid to show a bit of your power, especially when you have suppressed it for far too long.

10. Be decisive

We need to learn to step up to the plate and then keep stepping forwards. There is a hidden force in people who are decisive that everyone respects and that makes all the difference in how you will advance. This comes from having taken the time to reflect on what is the right way ahead, making your choice and setting out on the journey, staying on track and keeping up your tempo. There is tremendous empowerment in being decisive, especially if you feel you have been messed about. As we know, the best revenge for wrongs done to us is not to get angry but to get even. We can only do so if we set our sights on getting things right and we let go of our resentments. Unbroken commitment to forward motion and self-improvement create and facilitate accomplishments and triumphs.

Some people hesitate to conduct themselves in such a way, as they feel it may seem selfish. It’s important to know the difference between being self-caring and resolute – i.e. doing what is right for us and necessary for our survival – and being egoistic and self-seeking – i.e. doing something that is purely for our own pleasure and advantage but may be harmful to others. It is often good to have a chance to speak with others about our decisions and make sure that our actions are good all round and are endorsed and validated by the people we value around us. If we are going to grow authoritative and strong-minded, we need to be clear sighted, and fair minded too. There is no need to guilt trip ourselves if what we aim for is of use and help to others. Once you have worked out what needs to be done, dare to be outspoken and self-assured. Then be definite and firm in your actions.

11. Find new meanings and purpose

Ultimately, overcoming hardship comes down to finding meaning in it, and focused action is one way of re-establishing meaning. I’ve returned to this a lot in this book, because it is so central. Keep reminding yourself that meaning comes from connectivity. This can be most easily achieved by creating new links and bonds and getting a more in-depth understanding of how the world fits together. As soon as we get a sense of being part of a network of meaning, it becomes far easier to see where we are, who we are and what direction we want to be heading.

There is a mutual reinforcement between the direction of our actions and the feedback we are getting by making these new connections in action. This means that we have found new purpose. This is the very opposite of accepting our fate passively. We find meaning when we get a bird’s eye view of our situation and see how our experiences fit into a narrative that goes beyond ourselves. As soon as we begin to lift the veil and make sense of things that previously were a mystery, we begin to feel more in control and more able to intervene and change things for the better. This is exactly what all those who have thrived from their crises have been able to do. They have become more insightful and more actively engaged with their troubles. They have not given up but have become more ardent in their efforts to improve things for themselves and the world around them.

12. Stick with it

This brings us to the importance of commitment. Many people who falter and flail about in crisis continue to do so for longer than necessary because they fail to see the importance of committing to a constructive road ahead. They dart in many different directions and run out of breath. They flap about and become exhausted and despondent, because all roads seem to be blocked and nobody supports them.

Don’t expect support; it is up to you to find your way around the obstacles and make alliances. Contemplate the problems, consider all the possible solutions you can think of, and keep going. Be creative and free-floating about it and eventually you will see your opening. You will know what attracts you and you will find your personal way of tackling the situation. Don’t let other people tell you how you should do it. Nobody can do it for you or know what it is like for you. Sort it out for yourself, but always get as much information as possible, then get going and keep going.

Do not isolate yourself but rely on yourself to do most of the hard work and trust that you can get through, slowly but surely, step by step. Remember that progress often comes in stops and starts and is rarely as rapid as we would like it to be. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back. Be prepared for such patterns and for further problems on the road ahead. Life is never predictable; it will throw lots of curve balls at you. The best thing is to know and accept this, get into it and get good at playing the ball you are thrown or the cards you are dealt. Be consistent in your efforts and show conscientiousness, dedication and persistence in your practice. It’s fine to sleep on the job once in a while, or to take a day off, so long as you keep up your commitment to progress.

13. Take courage from your fear

If this book has shown anything, it is that we should never fear change; we should learn to welcome and relish it. Change is the natural principle of life. It is the flowing river of vitality. Anything that is alive is continuously growing and expanding, or waning and decaying. Living things never stay the same from one minute to the next. We measure time by the changes in the universe and we measure our lives by the time that has passed and the things that have changed. There is no point in trying to stay the same or keeping things under control. Things and events are in motion, they always move on, and we have to move on with them. We cannot stop the tides of life or struggle against them; we have to learn how to go with them.

Of course, not all change is welcome. Crises are a sudden and often violent form of change that transforms everything we take for granted. But civilisations have been built on crises. It is crises that have forced people at all times in history to come up with new solutions and adapt to new situations. Many inventions and medical breakthroughs are a response to emergencies. They are arrived at through long experimentation and hard work, building on the work of previous generations, but they are frequently inspired by difficulties and problems that need solving. Medical progress arising from the two world wars was immeasurable. So too was technical progress (and, of course, military progress). As we have seen, human beings typically evolve in new directions after crisis, and if we can learn to make the most of that natural stage of transformative dynamism, we may even come to believe our crisis was for the best. Use its power and momentum.

Dare to engage with your predicament and stop fearing and fighting it. With the natural expansion you will feel when you dare to breathe again and meet the challenges, you will rediscover your capacity for self-reliance and contentment. There are few things better than to feel our whole being responding to an emergency in a way that makes us resilient and robust. We become toughened, like steel in a fire, our minds are tightened and our worldview is wised up by our letting go of some of our illusions and being able to face harsh realities. This stops us feeling afraid of the future or floundering about in uncertainty, and it might even make us itch for further challenges to continue building that strength and even greater capacity.

14. Share what you have learned

Once our cup is overflowing with this new verve and vivacity, it is important that we do not just keep it to ourselves. Use your insights and skills to support others in similar situations. Discover that you can be generous and supportive, nurturing and big hearted. Share as much as is possible without depriving yourself. The more you gain clarity about how life works and how you can build your inner powers to become more proficient in meeting existential crisis, the clearer you will see how your experience is connected to that of others. The crowning glory of surpassing existential crisis is that sense that we have learnt something invaluable about human existence, something that is of core importance and can never be taken away from us again. The deepening of our inner thoughts and confidence, the crystallisation of our wisdom and the gladdening of our heart will speak for themselves as we come to terms with an experience we thought would destroy us but that turned out to be the making of us.

* * * * *

And so, through crisis, we can find new understanding, new direction, a fresh sense of energy and a capacity for thinking more deeply and bravely about the things that truly matter. We will always mourn our losses and regret the wrongs done to us, but we will become emboldened with a renewed sense of purpose and much greater ability to adapt to whatever may come in the future.

Emmy van Deurzen is an existential psychotherapist, philosopher and counselling psychologist. She is Principal of the New School of Psychotherapy and Counselling at the Existential Academy in London and runs her own private therapy practice, Dilemma Consultancy, in London. She is a Visiting Professor with Middlesex University, for whom she directs several doctoral and master’s programmes. She has published 17 books on existential therapy and the challenges of the human condition. Her work has been translated into more than a dozen languages and she has lectured worldwide in more than 35 countries across all continents.

Rising from existential crisis: Life beyond calamity by Emmy van Deurzen is published by PCCS Books and is available from>> Rising from Existential Crisis: Life beyond calamity 9781910919859 (pccs-books.co.uk)

References:

Charura, D. & Paul, S. (2015). Love and therapy: In relationship. Karnac Books. Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990).

Flow: The concept of optimal psychology. Harper Collins Publishers. Sartre, J.P. (1950/2001). What is literature? (B. Frechtman, Trans.). Routledge.

IAHIP 2022 - INSIDE OUT 97 - Summer 2022