Recently I came across the following UK statistics:
Over the last 10 to 15 years there has been a growing interest in personal development, assertiveness training, stress management, counselling etc. As Irish people we are becoming more aware of self-help and conscious of how stress actually affects our health both physical and mental. I feel this is a very positive move and I see more and more people taking charge of their lives in a very positive way. I am also aware of the number of people who suffer in silence and won’t seek help because they feel it is too alien for them – a taboo. Fortunately a good deal of my work involves in-company training and I come across a wide range of people who wouldn’t dream of going for counselling but who think again after they experience some group work.
Assertiveness training has become more “respectable” in recent years as more people realise that it is not about ruthlessly getting what you want which tended to be the media’s presentation of it. In my work as a development consultant I have observed that significant percentage of career and personal problems are directly related to a person’s self-esteem. Consequently the focus of my work has been developed to assist others to better understand who they are and to provide them with the skills to deal more effec tively with their lives and the people around them.
The aim of assertiveness is to demonstrate that change is possible. It is rooted in learning theory which claims that all behaviour is learned and therefore we can unlearn behaviour which is no longer useful for us and relearn more effective behaviour. Assertiveness is used widely with individuals and groups in the clinical context. It is extremely useful as a preventative measure before people get into serious difficulty.
The Redwood model was pioneered by Anne Dickson, an English psychologist and has been evaluated by Irish Clinical psychologist Nuala Doherty. Her findings demon strated consistent effective levels of competency amongst Redwood trainers aligned with a well balanced training model. Participants showed significant improvements in their assertiveness levels and self-esteem.
Assertive communication is the art of clear, honest and direct expression of positive and negative feelings. It involves learning how to avoid being taken advantage of by others and to avoid punishing others as well. Some common areas of difficulty for people are:
All of these difficulties have to do with self-esteem or feeling worthwhile as a person. This is a core element of assertive behaviour. People with good self-esteem handle situations with confidence and authority. People with low self-esteem will either say nothing and feel bad or become aggressive and also end up feeling bad. When our self-esteem is low we often do things to please people to win their ap proval. We forget that we have rights. Some of the rights we explore are:
1. I have the right to have and express opinions, views and ideas which may or may not be different from other people’s.
2. I have the right to refuse a request (say no) without feeling guilty or selfish.
3. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
If we don’t believe we have rights we often behave badly. If we feel we have the right to say “NO” it stops us from saying “YES” and then end up letting people down because we never intended doing what they asked in the first place. When we realise that we have rights it can often be the first and a very positive step towards building good self-esteem.
Aggressive behaviour is competitive and the implicit or explicit goal is to emerge as winner. With very little real self-esteem, the aggressive person cannot afford to consider another person’s point of view and faced with confrontation or conflict they respond with outright attack.
Passive behaviour is characterised by being the doormat and makes ideal fodder for the aggressive character. The passive outlook is negative and frustrated by a lack of willpower and an attitude of profound resignation.
Indirect/aggressive behaviour is more subtle and hidden. The need to manipulate stems from fear of exposure – it becomes safer to control and manipulate then face con frontation and risk being rejected.
Assertive behaviour involves a genuine respect for self and others. Self-esteem is anchored deeply within and is not dependent on the approval of other people. There is no need to put others down (aggressive) because the need to win is not important. There is also no need to put others on a pedestal (passive) because an assertive person sees them selves as equal – not superior, not inferior, but equal.
You may recognise all four behaviours in yourself. It is easy to be judgemental – to be critical of yourself and the people around you. However, if you take a more compassionate and realistic view of the aggressive, passive and indirect behaviours you realise they stem from low self-esteem. This usually reflects our experience as children. To quote from “The Post-Colonial Personality” by psychotherapist Vincent Kenny, “Our (the Irish) child-rearing patterns leave a lot to be desired, especially where we see authoritarian parents treating their children as if they had no rights at all, as if they had no feelings to be taken seriously, as if all their experiences were trivial and altogether as if they were objects as opposed to people. Many parental techniques or relationship patterns with children focus on BELITTLING the children. This is a very good word to describe what they are doing, that is making small (as a child) or making of no consequence. Children are often teased and jeered also as a technique of ‘cutting them down to size’. In this we see a repetition and a parallel process to the national experience where our autonomy, independence and confidence was systematically crushed by our treat ment at the hands of authority figures (British). So we may interpret that certain parents, as authority figures, are imposing the same type of constricting oppressions on their children that foreign oppressors imposed on the nation.”
On an assertiveness programme I encourage people to drop the self-critical/judge mental voices and concentrate on building up their self-esteem enabling them to handle their lives more effectively. Through role play and case studies they learn the skill of as sertiveness which many people put into practice straight away with great success. Other areas covered on a programme are: body language, breathing and relaxation, saying NO, giving and receiving criticism, dealing with feelings, especially anger, personal power, goal setting, developing a plan of action. An important ingredient in the learning process is witnessing both shared difficulties and changes in others’ behaviour. This relieves feelings of isolation and loneliness and also begins to shift the emphasis from helpless ness to the power to change.
The trainer is there to instruct and model assertive behaviour (which doesn’t imply perfection!). She is there to establish a climate of trust and support and to make it pos sible for participants to acknowledge similarities and differences in each other, to avoid competitive behaviour and the tendency to blame others or put oneself down. As the programme progresses more responsibility can be taken by participants so that feedback and encouragement can be shared. “Each member is the therapeutic agent of their own change”.
If we continue to distrust our emotions, be over-dependent on approval from others, hide or belittle our abilities, suppress feelings of anger in favour of compassion, identify too readily with statements like: “I can’t”, “I’m helpless” or “I’m not geed enough” our mental health will suffer. When we pay attention to ourselves; recognise our unique ness; congratulate and reward ourselves; challenge ourselves; and act as if we really count we can take responsibility for our actions and behaviours we become mentally and physically healthy. ”
And now for something completely assertive “ LIGHTEN UP!!
Liz Sherry is a qualified counsellor and has spent the past six years as a consultant to large and small Irish Companies in the management of change.
Her experience includes Assertiveness Training, Team Building, Stress Management and Outdoor Management Development. She is an advisor to the Council for the Status of Women and a member of the European Network of Women, a founder Member of Redwood Ireland Training Association and has been a member of the Board of Management of the City of Dublin VEC. She has published many articles on assertive ness and is a regular contributor to TV and Radio Programmes.
SOME USEFUL BOOKS
Palladino, Connie D.: Developing Self-Esteem. Kogan Page
Donavan, Mary Ellen & Sandford, Linda: Women and Self Esteem
Alberti, Robert E & Emmons, Michael: Your Perfect Right. Impact 1974
Back, Ken & Kate: Assertiveness at Work. McCraw Hill 1982
Dickson, Anne: A Woman in Your Own Right. Quartet 1982
Kelley, Colleen: Assertion Training – A Facilitator’s Guide. University Associates
Smith, Manual: When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Dial 1975
Norwood, Robin: Women Who Love Too Much. Arrow Books 1985
Jeffers, Susan: Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. Century
Gawain, Shakti: Creative Visualisation. Bantam New Age
Hanson, Dr. Peter: The joy of Stress. Kogan Page