The Resnicks Model of couples therapy

by Fergus Finucane

This article is dedicated to my long-time mentor and teacher, Bob Resnick. Bob passed away from lung cancer on October 11th, 2022. I attended seven of the Resnick couples therapy workshops over a 10-year period and Bob and Rita were amazing teachers and mentors. Bob and Rita were very generous in allowing me to interview them for my dissertation in February 2020, and I am very grateful to them for that. The following article is an extract from my dissertation outlining the Resnick model of couples therapy. There are few articles that go into the depth of the Resnick model. There is a good article in the Summer 2006 Inside Out journal by Geraldine Sheedy and this article builds on that while also exploring the beginnings of the Resnick model and its roots in Gestalt therapy.

The backdrop to this article is the relationship epidemic that is raging in the Western world today (Real, 2002; Schofield, 2012; Carr, 2014; Resnick, 2018). Ludlam and Nyberg (2007) maintain that marital distress and instability is an epidemic that is “spreading”, out of control, causing pain, suffering and heartbreak in families all over the Western world.

The Resnicks agree (Resnick, 2018); they report that in the U.S. approximately 55% of first marriages and 75% of second marriages break down. They wonder whether people don’t learn from their mistakes or whether they are better at breaking up the second time around. However, the divorce figures quoted above do not tell the full story. The Resnicks posit that of the 45% that remain in first marriages, a large proportion, possibly up to 35%, are what they term the secretly miserably married. Typically, these people stay married for reasons such as religion, money, children, and fear of the unknown, amongst others. That leaves just approximately 10% of marriages that are healthy and mutually nourishing with emotional support and joyful companionship (Resnick, 2018). Most marriages then, the Resnicks suggest, end in either explosion (rupture/divorce/separation) or implosion (secretly miserably married).

This researcher has been a couples therapist since 2012. I trained with Bob and Rita Resnick who run a Gestalt couples therapy training in California and come to Ireland every spring to train couples therapists. They also run a weeklong training in Europe every year and have done some training in China. The Resnick model of couples therapy is 50 years old and is the longest-running postgraduate psychotherapy training program worldwide (B. & R. Resnick, personal communication, 27 February, 2020). Unfortunately, they were not able to travel in 2020, 2021 or 2022 due to the Covid-19 pandemic.

As a couples therapist, it is my opinion that couples therapy can be complex and challenging. I agree with Joseph Zinker that life itself is complex. There is a flow to life that causes it to be constantly changing. Children are born, grow up and leave (although many young adults are still living at home for various reasons in 2023), they find jobs and lose them and find more jobs, they marry and remarry, parents remarry, people die, and grandchildren are born. New information is always flowing through a family. There are endless sources these days: schools, social media with often unreliable information, newspapers (to a lesser extent these days), television, books, travel etc. This is all part of modern life and most families cope well enough with change. However, for those people who have fixed processes, and who are not skilled at navigating life’s changes, transitions can cause problems that can lead to troubled relationships (Zinker, 1994, pp.89/90).

Dan Wile maintains that “choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems” (Gottman and Gottman,2017, p.18). He noted that problems would be a part of any relationship, and that a particular person would have some set of problems no matter who that person married. Wile also wrote: “There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realising that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (2017, p.18).

Bob Resnick (cited in Power, 2013) is curious about how something that everybody needs and wants, which is a connection with a primary other over a long time, seems to have so many problems. The level of couple unhappiness plus the divorce and separation rates are so bad in Western society that couples therapy has never been so vitally important. Couples therapy is a safe place where problems and complexities can be processed in a non-judgemental and empathic way.

Marriage

Marriage has been a practice for thousands of years and was originally (and still can be) very patriarchal (Amato, 2004). It was originally monogamous, between one man and one woman with no exceptions. Marriage was used by the State and the Church to control thrones and property. Women were typically not allowed to own land, and if they did it became the husband’s after marriage. Women could not vote, nor could they work outside the home. Marriages often did not last long as many women died in childbirth because there was little or no medication to help them. Husbands had more rights when it came to adultery and could divorce more easily than women (ibid).

Terrence Real (2002) maintains that the goal of marriage was stability, not intimacy. Wives cleaned the home and raised the children, while husbands worked the farm or were the hunter-gatherers. McDougall and Pearsall (2017, p.513) put the demarcation of roles well when they said that the division of labour could be summed up by the statement that there were “those who bring home the bacon and those who cook it”. The surprise is that this very traditional form of marriage didn’t change until the early 20th century, though it had begun to change in the late 19th century. Advances in medicine meant that women began to live longer, especially during and after childbirth. Land acts meant that some women could own property; women won the right to vote and began to work outside the home and thus became more independent. Women also began to stay longer in education (Resnick, 2018). Feminism and the women’s movement also played a huge part in these changes. The effect of all these and other changes was that women started to want more from their lives and believed they did not have to put up with their traditional lot. They could change things if they wanted to, so they began to divorce their husbands.

There is broad agreement that the institution of marriage in the Western world is in crisis (Real, 2002; Schofield, 2012; Carr, 2014; Resnick, 2018). According to Ludlam and Nyberg (2007), the urge to pair is one of the most powerful of human drives and the research bears this out with Carr (2014) reporting that in the Western world, by the age of fifty, over 85% have married at least once and between one third and one half of these marriages will end in divorce or separation, and approximately 20% of those who stay married will end their marriage in distress. Halford and Pepping (2019) concur that across most Western countries, more than 85% of adults marry at least once in their lifetime and that divorce rates are rising. According to Celello (2009), the US had the highest rate of divorce worldwide in the twentieth century.

Resnick model outline

The Resnick model of couples therapy is fifty years old. It was set up as a response to the shocking divorce rates in the US and in Western society in general where approximately 50% of first and up to 75% of second marriages break down in the US (Resnick, 2018). The Resnick model is steeped in Gestalt theory. Bob Resnick was originally mentored by Fritz Perls and Jim Simkin with whom he became good friends over a five- year period. Fritz Perls sent Bob to Rotterdam in the Netherlands to introduce Gestalt therapy to Europe in 1969 (Parlett, 1995). The Resnicks have been bringing their model of Gestalt therapy and couples therapy to Europe several times a year every year since, except for 2020, 2021 and 2022 due to the Covid 19 pandemic. They have also been bringing their model to Killarney in Ireland every year for over twenty years.

To contextualise this couples’ approach, this researcher will outline the key concepts of Gestalt theory which form the framework of the model. Gestalt therapy is an existentially based, humanistic and experiential therapy developed originally by Fritz Perls in the 1930s and later helped by his wife Laura Perls and Paul Goodman in the 1940s and 1950s (Perls, Hefferline and Goodman, 1951). Gestalt therapy was heavily influenced by existentialism. Perls paid particular attention to existential principles such as: authenticity (be true to yourself despite external influences); freedom (the ability to think and act without restraint but within limits); and taking responsibility for the choices we make and the things we do (Resnick cited in Neukrug 2015, p.5). Laura Perls studied with Martin Buber (Kaufmann, 1996) whose concept of I-It and I-Thou dialogic relating plays a significant role in Gestalt therapy. According to Resnick (2018), there are three elements that are essential for Gestalt therapy. These make up a tripod that consists of field theory, phenomenology, and dialogue. Other elements may be present as well but these three are absolutely essential if a therapy is to be considered Gestalt.

Field Theory

Gestalt field theory means that everything is connected: human beings do not live in isolation, even if they perceive that they do. According to Yontef (2005, p.151) “a person is influenced by everything around them, psychologically and physically. Identity is formed and maintained, expanded and contracted, by the whole field, by the mutual construction of the individual and the rest of the organism-environment field.”

Mackewn (1997, p.48) describes field theory as “a set of principles that emphasises the interconnectedness of events and the settings in which those events take place”. Human beings cannot be understood in isolation but only as interactive participants with the complex world and environment they live in. The translation of the German word gestalt is ‘whole’ and the whole is greater than the sum of the individual parts. The whole (gestalt) of an individual includes the whole person and everything in their environment (their world).

Phenomenology

Phenomenology is the process by which we make meaning of our sensorial experiences: what we see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. This is influenced by our experiences from our birth to the present day. For example, an individual person is affected not just by his or her psyche but also by genetics, hormones, biochemicals, family, ethnicity, religion, class, race, nationality, politics, economics, history, geography, and weather, essentially the person’s wider field (Resnick cited in Neukrug, 2015, p.5).

Our phenomenology defines our perceptions. Corey (2009) maintains that it is our perception that makes us unique. Yontef (cited in Woldt and Toman, 2005), posits that all perception is interpreted. Individuals make sense of their worlds as best they can, and the sense they make of it becomes a filter for viewing the world. This is sometimes called our worldview. Worldview is just a term meaning how one interprets reality, what one believes to be true. Our worldview informs our own biases and prejudices. In every human interaction, meaning is co-created, and objectivity is impossible in any real sense. You are part of the relationship and cannot be separate from the meaning-making.

Dialogue

Dialogical relating is an import from Buber’s philosophical I-it, I-Thou theory (Joyce and Sills, 2018). Bloom (2011) cautions that Gestalt therapy needs to be vigilant when importing ideas from other models, especially ideas favoured by therapists and poses the question “what else is being imported unintentionally?” Resnick (cited in Parlett, 1995, p2) describes dialogue as the engagement of two phenomenologies, the client’s and the therapist’s. He further posits that for real dialogue to happen three conditions must be present: 1. Presence: the therapist’s own experience and phenomenology are available. 2. Inclusion: the therapist includes themselves in the experience and phenomenology of the client and 3. Commitment to dialogue which allows for the magic that may emerge in the ‘in- between’ of a human encounter. Being present to the client is essential, where the therapist as well as the client is affected and changed by the meeting. This involves some therapist self-disclosure, but it must be in the service of the client. Without self-disclosure the encounter is not dialogic and therefore not Gestalt.

The Fusion Model

The Resnicks theory is that the model of marriage that existed for thousands of years, what they call the fusion model, is no longer fit for purpose. The aforementioned divorce rates support their view. The fusion model did not and does not allow for difference because survival depended on working together to make ends meet. The couple works as a unit where individuality is frowned upon. The fusion model is based on what Gestalt theory calls confluence, which is one of seven interruptions to contact from their perspective (Joyce and Sills, 2018; Mackewn, 1997; Polster and Polster, 1974). According to Mackewn (1997), confluence occurs when two people flow together with no sense of differentiation. Zinker (1994), maintains that confluence is a basic way of disregarding differences and Polster and Polster (1974), describe confluence as a three-legged race arranged between two people who agree to not disagree. A healthy person can navigate the confluential continuum between merger and enmeshment at one end of the continuum (for example having sex) and separateness and isolation at the other end (an extreme example being prison camp survivors). This is healthy functioning, provided you don’t get stuck at either end of the continuum. Confluence, like all the interruptions, can sometimes support contact and Mackewn (1997) cites examples where confluence can promote community values and ease social communication.

What the Resnicks are concerned about is the extreme end of the confluential continuum which is enmeshment. Minuchin (1974) describes enmeshment as a blurring of boundaries, where couples feel a heightened sense of belonging and autonomy is surrendered. Bifulco and Thomas (2012) talk of enmeshment as being part of an anxious attachment style where enmeshment is a dependent attachment style as exhibited by a high desire for company, low self-reliance, and high fear of separation. Holmes (2014) describes the anxious attached person as being insecure with low self- esteem and a fear of abandonment.

The fusion model worked well because everyone knew what was expected of them. There was no place for individuality in a system that worked for thousands of years. Bob Resnick maintains that the fusion model provided a stencil of how people should be, how a man and woman should be, as a husband and a wife, according to their family, their culture, and their religion. This stencil made it almost impossible for someone to find out who they really were as an individual or if they were compatible with their partners (B & R Resnick, 2020, personal communication, 27 February).

People were looking for a new way of being in relationship. This was what was behind the Resnicks setting up their own model of couples counselling, as they responded to the breakdown in marriage and relationships. This is an alternative model that they call the connection model. The fusion model is a static model in which nothing changes, whereas the connection model is dynamic and changes and adapts to whatever is happening in the relationship (Resnick, 2014).

The Connection Model

Contrary to the fusion model described above, the Resnicks offer an alternative which they call the connection model. In order to connect they posit that there must be two distinct individuals within the couple; i.e., that the couple is not enmeshed. Connection gives you meaning other than yourself. Ruszczynski (1993, p.130) maintains that “the individual self cannot develop in isolation, that the I is defined by its differentiation from the You, and the You is required to provide an answer for the basic question of identity: Who am I?” Mann (2010) concurs that a sense of self emerges in relation to the other (difference). Bob Resnick talks about the basic human dilemma of “how to be connected to another and maintain a self” (Parlett, 2018, p.45), while Leavitt (2009) and her couples wrestle with dark perplexing issues that go to the heart of the conundrum of intimacy: how to be attached and yet remain separate people (B & R Resnick, personal communication, 27 February, 2020).

The connection model is a rhythm of connection and separation. The couple come together and find intimacy, whatever intimacy means for them. It could be anything: holding hands as they walk, helping each other; it may be sex, but sex is not necessary for intimacy. Bob Resnick (cited in Parlett, 2018, p.46) describes intimacy as follows: “when you are not watching yourself or the other, you are not split”. To be intimate is to be fully there, with no monitoring of self or other. However, you can also get hurt in intimacy; e.g., you can have intimate fights, but these are usually worked out quickly in an adult way. Bob Resnick claims that promoting his connection model and taking it to so many different countries sometimes feels like they are salmon swimming upstream. The task can be daunting, but the work goes on to promote their alternative model, the connection model (B & R Resnick, 2020, personal communication, 27 February).

Difference

The biggest departure between the Resnicks and most other models is how they deal with difference. The Resnicks rightly prioritise difference: the difference being talked about here is how as human beings we are unique, with unique phenomenologies (Mackewn, 1997). We each have unique perceptions (Corey, 2009), based on our upbringings, our parents, teachers, religion, culture, and sexual preferences. The very act of meeting another person means that we are different from the start. If confluence and enmeshment are the main causes of the crisis in marriage and relationships, then difference is the magic bullet that dissolves the confluence (B & R Resnick, 2020, personal communication, 27 February). The Resnicks maintain that generally it’s not what the differences are that matter but rather how the differences are managed (Resnick, 2013).

Many models of couples therapy try to get rid of differences such as culture, religion, children, education, family values, etc., but the Resnicks (2018) maintain that difference is okay: we are all different and the goal is to try to understand the other, to try to understand how the other makes sense of their world and to let the other know how you make sense of your world. Difference, which is essential for connection, is very difficult to deal with in a fusion model where difference is not allowed.

The Resnick model is a process model; that means that they are more interested in ‘how’ a couple deal with their differences than just dealing with the content, i.e. the couples’ story. Our clients’ stories can be seductive, and therapists need to be able to decide when to interrupt the story and look at the process. The client’s story is important but in Gestalt therapy, the story is really a vehicle to get to the process. This is complex in couples therapy where you have each of the couples stories interacting with each other and each also interacting with the therapist’s story (Sheedy, 2006; Resnick, 2014; 2018; 2020).

The Resnick model of couples therapy is an excellent model; however, one area that could be improved on is research. Research into the Resnick model is in its infancy. In contrast to the Resnick model, the Gottman method and Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT-C) are two of the most researched models of couples therapy in the world. When I asked Bob and Rita about this in an interview in February 2020, Bob expressed regret that little research exists on the efficacy of the Resnick model: “Regrettably I haven’t published very much and in that regard. I’ve been under the radar for these last four and a half decades…there really is very little written…” (B & R Resnick, personal communication, 27 February, 2020).

There are some articles and online interviews and several very good DVDs and movies: e.g. (Resnick, 1993; 1995; 1997; 2000; 2016; Sheedy, 2006; Power, 2013; Parlett, 2018) that go some way to bringing their model to a wider audience, but Bob Resnick acknowledges that the written word is still the best way to gain greater exposure. (B & R Resnick, 2020, personal communication, 27 February).

Fergus Finucane is an accredited psychotherapist and supervisor with IAHIP. He is a psychotherapy trainer and group facilitator and works in private practice in Limerick. Fergus has a special interest in relationship issues and couples counselling.

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