Keep on (grey) rockin’ me baby: creative and imaginative approaches to dealing with narcissists    

by Jimmy judge

Well I ain’t superstitious and I don’t get suspicious  

But my woman is a friend of mine.  

And I know that it’s true that all the things that I do  

Will come back to me in my sweet time  

(Steve Miller Band, 1976)  

I chose this cool, light, breezy, and sexy tune because it captures perfectly the radical love and acceptance that is essential when dealing with the parasitical narcissist. I’ve played with the title of this groovy tune and inserted ‘grey’ rockin’ me baby’ as ‘grey rocking’ is one of the core strategies associated with managing and negotiating narcissistic relationships. In this article, I will highlight the four pillars that support grounded techniques and creative mind-sets that can be useful for neutralising or minimising the poisonous fumes that emanate powerfully from the narcissist. The four pillars are:  

1. Radical acceptance.  

2. Going ‘no contact’.  

3. Grey rocking.  

4. The firewall.  

Radical acceptance  

Caroline says, as she gets up from the floor,  

‘You can beat me all you want.  

I don’t love you anymore’.  

(Lou Reed, 1973)  

In this dark, yet surprisingly hopeful song by the late genius, Lou Reed, Caroline recognises a fundamental truth – a truth so profound, it’s the deal-breaker for her liberation, when she says, “You can beat me all you want, I don’t love you anymore”. In that moment, she knows that this narcissist is not really her problem. He is ‘a problem’, but not her problem. She breaks the sinister, manipulative code peddled by the abuser, and that is: I can make you love me by force, blackmail, intimidation, bullying, and violence if necessary. Narcissists trade off this false belief all of the time. They confuse power/dominance and control with love and through the intoxicating process of trauma-bonding, we buy it.  

In this scene, Caroline embodies fully the spirit of ‘radical acceptance’. She breaks the spell and the “trance of unworthiness”, as Tara Brach calls it (2001). She reclaims her own mind, body, and soul. She embraces completely her freedom to love whoever she chooses and rejects anyone that invades this choice. Caroline knows through bruised, bloody face and body, excruciating pain and humiliation, the ‘dark night of the soul’. She sees that beautiful light of freedom and relief, and she knows it’s hers, and nothing or nobody controls this but her. This is radical acceptance.  

Okay, so not everyone will find themselves lying in a crumpled heap on the floor, with that metallic taste of blood in their mouth. Caroline is the symbol of the ugly effects of narcissistic abuse and the beautiful Aha moment and sweet spot that, against all the odds, you realise deep in your being, ‘there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. My kindness and vulnerability was mistaken for a weakness – but no more’. If you are entangled in a toxic situation, please know and take heart that you do not have to be pummelled to the ground to have that light bulb moment. The rock bottom can be raised and you can make changes and take positive action long before the guards and paramedics need to be called.  

Grey rocking & firewalls  

 

 

Carsie Blanton captures beautifully the essence of radical acceptance and the sass and edge required when dealing with life’s great pretenders, the narcissists. She sings:  

My momma don’t like you. She likes everyone.  

She thinks that you’re fine but you ain’t any fun.  

You’re always talking out your ass and smokin’ too much grass.  

That’s how I know I’m gonna have to pass  

Cause if you like the way you look that much  

Maybe you should go and fuck yourself.  

Well if you think that I’m still holding on  

I think you should go and fuck yourself  

(Blanton, 2018)  

The radical acceptance referred to previously underpins and supports all techniques and efforts to deal with the tricky, gas-lighty, and harmful effects of narcissism. In fact, radical acceptance will be your ultimate firewall.  

Okay, so let’s explore the much talked about practice of ‘grey rocking’. It’s the most widely known and accepted technique to employ when interacting with a narcissist. I suppose it’s self-explanatory really, to adopt the dull, yet secure and stable characteristics of a grey rock! This means you remain calm, solid, and neutral. Give nothing away whatsoever regarding your emotional state. This is crucial as the abuser relies on and feeds off our visible and felt mental/emotional mind-set.  

So, by practicing grey rocking with ninja-style application, you cut off the much-desired narcissistic supply. Notice I use the word ‘practice’. This is not easy at first, or even second or third! It will feel really uncomfortable initially, and the Cluster B personality type will roll out the favourites: induced conversations (emotive hooks designed to reel you in), manipulation, coercion, smear campaigns (enter the flying monkeys) – so you gotta be resolute, determined and prepared for a narcissistic onslaught! So clichéd conversations, weather talk, unemotional responses are the order of the day here. Eventually the narc gets bored (they get bored really easily), and craves supply. So they fall back on other targets while you get some much needed respite to immerse yourself in radical acceptance, love, humour, and good people. 

Combining light-heartedness with grey rocking in my experience can feel utterly delightful. I call it ‘polite indifference’, where you carry an air about you that you have something really interesting and exciting going on that does not involve the toxic individual. You don’t need to say it – they will sense it, which is always sweet to behold. Radical acceptance is the staple diet. The Firewall is something you put in place that creates a boundary between you and the narcissist, and finally grey rocking is the attitude/strategy you practice when in their company. Sprinkle plenty of humour and self-love daily and you’re well on your way to peace and freedom.  

Going no contact  

I was looking back to see,  

If you were looking back at me,  

To see me looking back at you  

(Massive Attack, 1991)  

So, sometimes the universe blows you a sweet kiss, and you find you are in the lucky position where you can remove yourself from, leave, or put distance between you and the narcissist. This is what is referred to as going no contact. This does exactly what it says on the tin. It means we literally cut off or block any form of communication with our toxic human. We also place significant physical distance between us and them. This is considered the most effective way to deal with a narcissist – just not be around them and have zero interaction with them. Make no mistake about it, this is much easier said than done. But it can be done. It requires shed loads of radical acceptance, intravenously administered regular doses of determination, resolve, and pure stubbornness! Because the narcissist will not give up. They see this as a personal affront. ‘Nobody dumps me! I do the dumping around here!’ So they bounce back like a viral variant called, ‘The pathetic narcissist variant’ (PNV). So, you need your booster which involves a clear decision, a carefully thought out plan, and really good reliable, and solid friends who understand narcissism and can see you through this; particularly when you crack and think, ‘Maybe they weren’t that bad’, and you are tempted by the chemical high offered by the narcissist as the use of the Huva manoeuvre (hoovering), and love bomb the shit out of you! ‘Hoovering’ is a classic narcissist strategy which involves attempts to manipulate you (usually via emotional blackmail) back into the relationship, or to discourage you from breaking away. They trot out the greatest hits, “I really love you” or “how can you do this to me?” or “let’s get married”. Then there’s the offers of promotions or raises, and then ultimately…”I can’t live without you” (veiled suicide threats), to the more radical, “I’ve just taken an overdose” or “I’m on a bridge” etc. I am not suggesting for one moment that you ignore a genuine cry for help. If you are concerned, call the guards and/or other authorities. Better still, get someone else to do it because this whole saga can be the narcissists underhand ploy to keep you connected and involved with them. 

As I mentioned, they may play the disgusting suicide card. When the narcissist makes these despicable threats as part of a manipulation con, it’s seldom serious as it’s designed to evoke your guilt and compassion – it’s calculated to bring about this response. There is no real suicidal intent when they are running this grift. To be clear, I am not saying narcissists do not genuinely feel suicidal or contemplate taking their own lives. I am saying that they do exploit this extremely painful dynamic at a time when their motives are as far away from suicide as you can imagine. At these times, they are totally high on adrenalin and cortisol. They are consumed with rage and entitlement. They think, “How dare you reject me” (narcissistic injury). They become obsessed with showing you ‘who’s boss’ and will go to any lengths to regain control over you and keep you as a supply source. I will say a little bit later about when they genuinely experience suicidality. This is a horse of an entirely different colour. Going no contact (if possible) can be hugely rewarding and liberating. Enlist plenty of positive support as you wash this abuser out of your hair/energy field...Bon voyage! I will now focus more on what to do when it’s not possible to go no contact.  

I love the smell of love in the morning 

 

So, what if going no contact is not an option? What then? This is where your radical acceptance really earns its stripes! Fire walls and grey rocking become as essential as breathing itself. At this stage we have fully accepted who and what we are dealing with. We have no illusions that they are going to change or that we can somehow love them back into good mental health. We know now in every fibre of our being that we cannot trust this person with our heart, soul, or wellbeing. This is our job, not theirs. So in order to firewall successfully, practice effective grey rocking and emanate radical acceptance vibes that would make a yogi or mystic envious. We must immerse ourselves in positive, uplifting love energy. Whether that’s through prayer, meditation, a gentle caress, a warm embrace, the beautiful look of love in the eyes of a friend, deep laughter, hitting that sweet spot, whatever that might be, or a combination of all these things – we must feed ourselves high quality human interaction if we are to counteract and offset the regular contact with a narcissist. The feeling of joyful and healing human interaction is described beautifully by the late and totally great Bill Withers in his iconic song, ‘Lovely day’.  

Then I look at you and the worlds alright with me.  

Just one look at you and I know it’s gonna be  

A lovely day (lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day).  

(Bill Withers, 1977)  

It’s not you, it’s me (but we all know it’s really you): fluffing or plumping the inflated yet fragile narcissistic ego  

We are all familiar with the, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine, and most people feel quite insulted to find themselves at the receiving end of this encounter. This was illustrated brilliantly in the enormously funny and clever 90’s sitcom, Seinfeld. The complex character, George Costanza, flies into an indignant rage when he’s dumped by a woman who chooses this technique. Costanza protests, “You’re using the, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, routine on me – I invented that routine. Nobody tells me it’s them and not me – if it’s anyone, it’s me”!! (Seinfeld, Ep.6 Season 5). So, we can use this with the narcissist for all kinds of situations. The narcissist will sense they are being played (as they’re always playing people). But they can’t resist the attention. They are hooked on the compliment. They won’t take responsibility and say, ‘yes it is me – I’m such an arsehole’! So, you plump up their sagging ego, lean into their narcissism and say, ‘you’re far smarter than me – I couldn’t keep up with your high level of intelligence because you’re way out of my league”! Control the narrative. It stops them in their tracks. They don’t know what to do with it! You need to be fully pumped on radical acceptance and courage to pull this one off. But with practice it’s quite effective. I have found that it’s great fun to observe the confused look on their face as you take a leaf from their playbook and exploit and manipulate their obsessive need for attention – the only difference is that you are not doing it to cause suffering. You are doing it to get through the day.  

Where are you going my friend? Have you forgotten when  

There was a time filled with hope instead of fear that’s in your heart?  

There was a time when life was simple and innocent to start.  

Do you remember? Do you remember?  

(Heartless Bastards, 2021).  

Let’s remember that the narcissist relates in a transactional style, often devoid of empathy, subtlety, or compassion. They are hollow, vapid, and place their entire value on hits, optics, and a manufactured false public image. So the words of the wise fox in Saint-Exupéry’s enchanting tale of The little Prince are particularly poignant, “It is only with the heart that one sees rightly what is essential is invisible to the eye’ (Saint-Exupéry, 1943) 

Dirty little secrets – Dirty little lies  

Lousy lovers pick their prey but they never cry out loud! Cry out loud!  

Well did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusion of love?  

Now tell me is it over now? Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?  

(Fleetwood Mac, 1977)  

Let’s acknowledge the reality that the narcissist is really suffering deep, deep down. They weren’t born this way. They are products of childhood trauma or excessively over-indulgent parents. It is a widely held belief that we alone cannot rescue or save them from themselves. My personal experience certainly bears this out. But we can save ourselves. We can make healthier choices. The more we love ourselves and disengage from the poisonous theatre of the narcissist, the more likely the narcissist will eventually hit some kind of rock bottom. I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting but it is possible. In her extraordinarily insightful style, Ann O’Connell illuminates this difficult process:  

People with NPD seldom enter treatment due to insight/understanding into their condition. They are more likely to show up in the therapy room because of the inevitable depression/anxiety and anhedonia that accompanies the lack of depth and intimacy that goes hand in hand with grandiosity. Their once raging narcissistic star tends to fade and burn out with age, and the cumulative effects of depressive reactions associated with failed relationships, addiction, or not being lionised in the way that their vanity dictates, drains meaning from their lives.  

O’Connell continues:  

Narcissism is a paradoxical hall of mirrors, and countertransference reactions can range from anger/resentment to feeling defeated in the face of being constantly evaluated and devaluated in the therapy dyad. Transference-focused Psychotherapy, first developed by Dr. Otto Kernberg, is an effective treatment modality for this and other personality disorders. One phase of treatment is to help clients identify the dominant object relation that gets activated in their interactions with others (depending of the type of narcissistic pathology that they exhibit). Over time, their dismissive attitudes give way to dependent transferences, and they learn to mourn and integrate the damage they have done to others and self. Transient suicidal ideations can manifest as part of the process of integration of aspects of self that were projected onto others, and some residual narcissistic behaviours can continue to manifest over time. But crucially, they learn to self-correct/recalibrate within the therapeutic alliance by reflecting upon these states and promoting a healthier self-structure.  

(O’Connell, 2019).  

The only way is up baby!  

I’m movin’ on up now  

Getting out of the darkness.  

My light shines on. My light shines on. My light shines on.  

(Primal Scream, 1991).  

 

Okay, so we have acknowledged that the narcissist wears the mask of the false self, and deep in their being, beneath the layers of entitlement, grandiosity, and superficiality, lies deep pain, despair, and self-loathing. We also recognise that it is not our responsibility to reach them, and neither do we or any one human being have the capacity to reach them. That call must come from them, and as Ann O’Connell showed us, there is a therapeutic model available for them. But they must want it! Stay well away from trying to bring this about. They, and only they can make this decision. This is where they may feel genuine suicidality and deep hopelessness etc. It is then that they must reach out, and I wish them strength, courage, and tenacity in their desire for peace. In the meantime, we are moving out of the darkness into the light of deep radical love and acceptance. Sampling new tastes, sounds, and sensations now we are free and at one with ourselves. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of love out there for you. When you love yourself, love always finds its way to your door. As the late, great mystic and guitar virtuoso, Jimi Hendrix said in his scintillating blues number,

‘Red house’,  

And if my baby don’t love me no more  

I know her sister will...!  

(Hendrix, 1967).  

Jimmy Judge is a psychotherapist, group therapist, group facilitator, trainer, writer and supervisor, with a private practice in Dublin. He has a special interest in working with social exclusion, stigma, and people living on the margins of society. He specialises in trauma, addiction, somatic work, and exploring recovery through the creative arts. jimmyjudge61@gmail.com  

References  

Blanton, C. (2018). Fuck yourself. [Song]. On Fuck yourself (Love yourself). Independent Record Label.  

Brach, T. (2001). Awakening from the trance of unworthiness. Inquiring Mind. Vol. 17 (2) (Spring Ed).  

Fleetwood Mac. (1977). Gold Dust Woman. [Song]. On Rumours. Warner Brothers.  

Hendrix, J. (1967). Red House. [Song]. On Are you experienced. Track Records.  

Massive Attack. (1991). Safe from harm. [Song]. On Blue Lines. Virgin Records.  

Miller, S. (1976). Rock’n me. [Song]. On Fly like an eagle. Capitol Records.  

O’Connell, A. (2019). The Crooked Mask. Unpublished essay.  

Primal Scream. (1991). Movin’ on up. [Song]. On Screamadelica. Creation Records.  

Reed, L. (1973). Caroline says. [Song]. On Berlin. RCA Records.  

Saint-Exupery, A. (1943). The Little Prince. Reynal & Hitchcock (U.S.).  

Seinfeld, J. (1993). It’s not you, it’s me. In Seinfeld. Season 5, episode 6.  

The Heartless Bastards. (2001). Revolution. [Song]. On A beautiful life. Sweet Unknown Records.  

Withers, B. (1977). Lovely day. [Song]. On Menagerie. Columbia Records.  

IAHIP 2022 - INSIDE OUT 96 - Spring 2022