Tale from a Trailing Spouse: A view from the first-year sidelines

by Sara Carroll

“I think in about another ten years or so, I could see myself retraining to become a therapist”. (John)

“I just thought I’d apply and see if I got in; it doesn’t mean I’ll actually do it”. (also John)

As the first year of my husband’s psychotherapy course draws to a close, I want to reflect on the experience from the sidelines. Whilst embarking on this course was not an unconsidered decision, it was a swift one, as John’s pivot to retraining was very much expedited by the Covid-19 pandemic. As such, there was not much time for us to consider the likely ramifications of this decision on our marriage and family life. With two children under the age of five, it is not an understatement to say that John’s decision to retrain as a psychotherapist has been both transformative and uniquely challenging.

The term ‘trailing spouse’ is often used in expatriate circles to refer to individuals who follow their partners to a different country because of work. Often, the working expat is given ample support and preparation during this move, whilst little heed is paid to their spouse. Indeed, expatriate failure has been linked to a lack of preparation of the ‘trailing spouse’. I see striking parallels with my experiences over the past year. As one ‘trailing spouse’, I know I would have benefited hugely from knowing a little more about what changes to expect.

The first change I noticed was in language. When did John suddenly start talking about ‘process’, ‘self- care’ and ‘authenticity’? Wasn’t this the kind of self-help nonsense he had been so scornful of in the past? I admit to having found it grating and somewhat tedious, not unlike listening to an acquaintance, name-dropping celebrities you’ve only heard of in passing. However, as the months passed and I decided to start going to therapy I found myself becoming more accustomed to, and accepting of, this new manner of discourse.

The next most obvious change was the time and emotional energy John was investing in therapy- related activities such as support groups and journaling. The curious thing about psychotherapy is that it really is a training like no other. Unlike, for example, a partner retraining to become a teacher, studying to become a therapist can quickly become all-encompassing. It demands a huge amount of introspection, which is exhausting, not only for the trainee therapist but also for their family. I was wholly unprepared for this aspect of the training and it was a strain at times when this came on top of the usual pressures of work and family life.

I suspect an additional challenge facing the partner of any trainee is the feeling you have of being fully and completely excluded from a vital part of their life and experience. ‘Group work’ and ‘process group’ are referred to in the vaguest of terms and it can be very isolating trying to understand or imagine what these sessions must be like, especially if you have little or no experience of this line of work. On the one hand, I fully respect the constraints of confidentiality and don’t want to know about the lives of strangers. On the other hand, this is the first time in our relationship where suddenly there is an understanding that I am not, and never will be, privy to what could well be life-changing conversations. I freely admit that I don’t like this shift and have found it a difficult adjustment. In addition, there is also the niggling worry of “Am I being discussed in these sessions?”, closely followed by “Am I not being discussed in these sessions?!”

Other changes are more positive. It’s clear to me that John has chosen a career which will be fulfilling and endlessly fascinating. I feel privileged to witness him becoming his future therapist self. I notice how he is much more self-aware of his interactions with our young children. John was already a fantastic father, but it has been a revelation to both of us to learn about where our instincts brought us in the right direction, and where we could both correct our course.

Similarly, I feel that in the past year, John and I have been able to start talking on a much deeper level despite having had what I had thought to be a close relationship. I attribute this to fact that we have both been in therapy and to the additional insight that his training has brought to our lives. On a related note, I am certain it would never have occurred to me to go to therapy if John wasn’t on this path and I am finding my own ‘process’ very fruitful.

Throughout the year I have tried to keep up with the topics being covered in the course and to glean some understanding of the content. Reflecting on this, I believe this has been a way for me to feel less side-lined by the training. The final weeks of the course were intense as John worked on his portfolio and I certainly look forward to us both coming up for air before the second year commences.

In conclusion, I think it would be extremely beneficial to future cohorts of students if some consideration was given to the experience of the ‘trailing spouse’. For John, the past year has been about preparing for the life of a therapist, and for me, it has been about starting to realise what it means to be the wife of a therapist.

Sara Carroll works as a learning and development consultant, with a focus on sustainability in business. She is passionate about helping both organisations and people talk about climate change and its implications, and in addition to consultancy work she facilitates Climate Cafés.